Too Sweet Tea

  For many of us that live in the southern United States, sweet tea is not only a beverage, but often a blood type. So many times the southern "lifestyle" is depicted by friends and family sitting on the front porch sipping lemonade. Well for anyone that hasn't traveled south of the old Mason-Dixon line, let me clear something up. We don't spend our afternoons sitting in rocking chairs from Cracker Barrel guzzling gallon upon gallon of lemon juice mixed with sugar and water. We often go to parks, festivals, and the occasional trip to the lake/river/ocean depending on their proximity. And yes, some of us drink lemonade. But for most of us, sweet tea reigns supreme.

  Now imagine my dismay when I moved to the Northeast in the early 2000's to find that my requests for sweet tea at a restaurant were met with "Da fuq is dat?" looks. I was offered unsweetened tea with a crooked finger pointing to the sugar dish, or given the options of raspberry/peach/lemon/piss flavored Nestea (pronounced Nas-tea). I quickly adopted a beverage choice of various sodas over the lesser "tea" options I was presented with, and sadly I gave up my requests for sweet tea with my meals out. Eventually I did come across the (apparently) only Chic-Fil-A that offered sweet tea, and I often stocked up by the gallon. At this point you've probably wondered why I didn't just make tea at home, right? Well the answer for that is easy. I was in my mid-twenties. There was not enough room in my fridge for pitchers of sweet tea. It was full of beer. Lots of beer. Way more beer than any one person should have at one time. But I'll save those tales for when my liver writes a "He really was an asshole to me" post.

  A few years of testicle retracting cold would pass, and I returned to my original southern confines. Sweet tea flowed from every convenience store and restaurant tap. I was back in my element. I was no longer scolded for asking for such a ridiculous drink. Breakfast, lunch, dinner, it didn't matter. Sweet tea was back in my life for good. Until a few weeks ago, when I made a dietary decision that I will regret. After a long night in the Uber, I was hankering for a greasy cheeseburger, which can only come from one place at 3:38am. Fucking McDonald's.

  As I ordered my artery clogger with cheese, I see the "$1 Large Sweet Tea" on the menu and say "Yeah, I'll have one of those too". I pay, snag my late night/early morning snack, and drive to the Casa de Ranty. I walk in, check that no one has fallen out of their beds (which is a totally normal protocol for those who don't have children), and sit down to throw some fat calories down my gullet. Two bites in, and it's time to wash it down with some sweet tea. I take one sip and immediately launch it on my burger. "What the fuck?!?!", I utter as I fumble to the bottom of the bag for the 68 napkins they gave me for 1 burger. This was the sweetest tea I had ever tasted. And not in a good way. I'm pretty sure my blood sugar shot into the low 900's from that single sip. I can feel the slimy residue of sugar stuck in my mouth and on my teeth. I'm left to think that McDonald's can't possibly profit from a $1 sweet tea when there's about $4 of sugar in my cup. I decide to pour out half and add water to cut it down to humanly tolerable levels. Even that fails. The cup is promptly emptied into the sink with no remorse or hesitation. I decide I am done with the tea from the golden arches.

  So from this point on, I will become the guy that I always used to laugh at and order a Diet Coke with any future McDonald's (also read as "desperation") runs. Not that my new choice in beverages will somehow magically counteract the horrible nutritional value of anything they offer. But simply so that I don't pull away with Wilford Brimley making eye contact with me in the rear view mirror and saying "Hi, I'm Wilford Brimley, and you now have di-uh-beet-us".

Talk to you all again soon -
Ranty

P.S. If you're reading this and work at a McDonald's that serves sweet tea, please share this message with the owner. STOP DUMPING THREE WHOLE FUCKING BAGS INTO THE GOD DAMN SWEET TEA UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO ADD INSULIN TO THE DOLLAR MENU! Thanks for your help.