The Mouth Sucker

  First of all, no, this is not another Tale from the Uber starring Megan (but if you want to hear that story again, just scroll past this post to the media player at the bottom and click on episode 31). This is a lunchtime hate story about a fellow patron of the restaurant where I had lunch the other day. As you know, I'm a HUGE advocate for eating one's lunch away from their place of employment. Your car, a bench outside, or even a fast food joint are all better options than the break room. On this particular day, I had a hankering for some good ol' General Tso's chicken, so a trip to the local Chinese joint for a $5 lunch special was in order. And seeing how the food is always ready in about six minutes, it beats sitting in the drive thru for the same amount of time.

  So I walk up to the counter, order my food, and sit down with my drink in anticipation of the best part of my retail day. Sure enough, six minutes pass and I have a plate of fried rice and spicy chicken drenched in that mysterious red sauce that makes everything taste better. I grab my fork and dig in like a refugee who hasn't eaten in months, only to be interrupted by a sound from across the room. Fortunately it's not some idiot coming over to sit with me again, but instead it's a noise that perks my ears up based on its level of disgusting. The smacking/sucking sound of an adult who is oblivious to the sloven sound of their own mouth. A mouth sucker.

  This man is eating something very similar to what is on my own dish. Some form of chicken with sauce, and rice. But we are apparently two different forms of what one refers to as "human". Different in that from a very early age I was taught to chew with my mouth closed, whereas the man across the room has clearly taken lessons from a dog with a mouth full of peanut butter. He smacks his tongue across his teeth with every bite, causing a sound that I can only classify as annoying as fuck.And not just once, oh no. This persists for the entire duration of my lunch break, and has a speakerphone conversation sprinkled in at the end just for good measure.

  As I make the walk back to work, I realize what it was about this (literally) loud mouthed asshole that bothered me so much. Not the blatant disregard for fellow eaters, nor the soundtrack itself. But the fact that this jerk off can't do something as simple as chew with his mouth closed, a task so simple that my children can do it daily without being chided or ridiculed. A grown man who can't follow the basic rules his parents undoubtedly beat into him (or maybe didn't) at a young age. Just like people who wear all black and walk with traffic at night, this motherfucker just doesn't have the common sense or decency to masticate quietly in public. Fuck that guy.

Talk to you again soon Ranty family - big things coming soon!
TRB