People Suck, Drown 'em Out

  After my many years in retail, I have learned one simple cold hard truth. People suck. Not just customers either. Just our fellow human beings as a whole. You can't escape them. People you barely know who approach you in the grocery store and try to bore you with their problems/get rich scheme/life story. The guy you met six years ago at a cookout who is a friend of a friend of your neighbor's cousin. Or perhaps your worst nightmare comes true, and that one customer you secretly hate tries to strike up a conversation with you in the frozen foods aisle. You can laugh now, but we know it will happen to us all eventually.  And for all these occasions, I have found one simple solution. Always, and I mean ALWAYS, carry a set of earbuds with you.

   When using your earbuds as an asshole encounter deterrent, you have many options. First, you can simply put them in and jam out to your favorite channel on Pandora. I find that even the random song I don't particularly care for is far more pleasing to my ears than the incessant droning of some random human. That one Jason Mraz track snuck into the Dirty Heads station is always better than hearing about someone else's bullshit. The other benefit to this is I can skip a song if needed, where we have yet to develop a mute button for annoying bipeds (but we can put a Tesla in space! Priorities people!).

  Next, you can use them as an utter and complete prop. Much like how many of us use the "fake phone call" to dodge customers on our way out the door, the fake headphone trick is equally effective. Although you have to be careful to not react to what you still may hear. There's no greater disappointment that placing your disguise in place, only to still get roped into a one sided conversation. For those of you using this tip for the first time, I recommend a pair of sunglasses as well to help avoid any reactionary eye contact that may result from a "Hey!" being thrown your way. But if you do get caught using them as a prop, remember that any incoming phone call will ring in your ears as opposed to an outwardly audible ringtone. This makes escaping unwanted social interaction easier, as you can simply say you have a call coming in that you have to take. Hit the appropriate button on your headset and walk away knowing that you have outwitted the dimwit.

  And lastly, if absolutely necessary, your headphones (assuming they are corded and not wireless) can become an equally annoying physical deterrent. Once the oncoming dullard has you locked in their tractor beam, just start swinging them wildly. Whether you're imitating a helicopter or pretending you're at a rave, they will provide you that bubble of personal space that so many people wish to immediately invade. Plus, they will become a distraction to the unwanted conversation, often drawing attention to the flailing audio devices more than yourself. In addition, the person may just think you;re nuts and leave you alone.

  These have all been proven effective by yours truly, but I have to say that option number one is the best. You get to listen to what you want, you will rarely hear anything to respond to, and your trip to the store will be much more enjoyable. Just don't forget to pop them out and be pleasant to your cashier. But as far as most other people. Fuck em. They suck. Drown em out.

Until next time -
Ranty